Please let me know if you have any questions

“Please let me know if you have any questions”

How innocent this statement looks but don’t sink in to the deception, I will assist you to be aware of the ramifications that this statement may lead to. Having worked in IT industry for enough long years, I’ve acquired the tacit cognizance not only to read in between the lines of emails but also to penetrate into it and sectumsempra the whole thing to extract the intended insinuation.

Well, after having composed and in the process of composing oodles of corporate emails to immediate bosses, clients, users, teams, alien teams and acquaintances sitting oceans far away or as close as in the next cubicle, I had to admit that, the monotony of this phrase is more nuzzled than the mere obligation of it. Every time I finish composing an email, I feel something is missing in the whole email draft and suddenly realize that, the parting shot misses the most worshipped phrase ‘Please let me know if you have any questions’ and so I diligently type it out at the end of the body which gives a sense of completeness to the email, like that of the holy ‘Thachi Mammu’ at the end of a heavy South Indian meal.

Few use this statement just for the sake of it. Few use it just to sound concerned. Few use it to feel complete (Complete Man – Raymond’s!). Few use it just to be careful and get a feeling of being in the crowd and not left out. Only few choose to know the real meaning of it and act accordingly.

Though this invites ‘further communication’ from the recipient, sometimes it doesn’t invite at all. When your manager sends an email with such a parting shot, some choose to stick to ‘I don’t have any questions’ mode to avoid any repercussion of their flushed out eccentricities. Some actually have things to say and so they immediately run their fingers on the keyboard as if running it against one’s girlfriend’s contours, ramming the keyboard to an extent that the keys go weak in their knees and beg your sympathy, shedding copious amount of audible tears. These species never fail to end their reply with the same blessed phrase of, ‘Ohh please god damn, let me know, if you gosh have, any freaking questions!’

This gets so monotonous at some point of time that you actually choose to ignore this and end the email blatantly with main content. You feel so bored even to take questions from the other end. Sometimes, it will be so boring day that, you actually wish no one comes back with any questions. You may want to keep the tone of the email as concerned as possible but ignoring this phrase might end up as if you are not so involved in the task at hand. So you invariably end up putting that phrase at the end of the email and silently pray all Gods one by one wishing the recipients to be as lazy as you. Some strategically compose such emails towards the end of the day, and press the button SEND SEND SEND for each draft consecutively in quick succession… like pressing the trigger of the MG3 7.62mm machine gun so that they don’t have to wait for the reply and can always check the next day.

Sometimes, the content of the email would be so small but still people prefer to make it wholesome with this phrase.

Sample this,

–
Hi Ben,
The report is sent.
Please let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks & Regards,
Hey I am the Please-let-me-know-if-you-have-any-questions lover

Yes I admit, this phrase can be email filler. It makes the email appear as if the content is huge and it is trying to convey quite a lot of information sarcastically.  So the above email with the phrase can connote:

Hey Ben, Hope you received the crappy report which you asked me to send. Dude, this gotta be crazy, it’s just a simple report which you might have generated yourself. It’s just two minutes of effing mouse click and I gotta log this task in my timesheet since you had sent it to me. I would have probably grabbed an ‘Egg Puff’ in the pantry by the time I logged into the ftp client sitting at the remote machine or rather I would have taken two three sips of Bru coffee with the Sunfeast Marie Light Oats Biscuit.

Anyway, don’t get back to me with any sorta questions or whatever. Do ping me, if am free I’ll reply. I gotta go. Ciao!

–

Got that?

Well, it does convey such deep meanings in a single line.

In other cases some dread the usage of such phrase during critical times.

–
Hi <the-most-admired-person>,

As discussed two centuries back (Read – two days back), I’ll be on leave till Tuesday.

Please let me know if you have any questions. (*Sincerely prays God and touches black color while typing this email which would evade all evil eyes and brings good luck*)

Thanks & Regards,
Hey I am afraid to use Please-let-me-know-if-you-have-any-questions dude.
–

People dread this phrase I say. What if your boss changes the mind and only because you have mentioned ‘Please let me know if you have any questions’, he/she gets back to you with – ‘Well, can you cut down your leave by a day and be back to office by Monday?’. In order to avoid all such ill fate, few gallop away from this dreadful phrase and try not to make it more obvious to get back to them.

This statement has gained corporate attention, since it conveys quite a lot of emotions than a Kathak dancer!

–
Hi <some-poor-fella>

I cannot approve your release as the metrics in the DOSA dashboard cannot reach 201% compliance without your humble presence. Innovation in the lines of Ghee Dosa, Onion Rava would go bleak if you don’t make yourself available before the dough kneading Tool.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks,
Parotta Master

–
This dreadful phrase in the above email conveys some simple things without being explicitly declared. First, dude you are screwed, trash your release request. Second, how can you get released when you are the only one taking care of this DOSA module? Having an IDLI person for a DOSA can lead to change in the DOSA parameters which can affect the quality of the deliverables. And finally, now I think you don’t have any questions to ask!

Indigenous use of this phrase has made oneself more competent in the lines of the prudent usage of this phrase. Some acquire this skill to use it at the right time. Six Sigma Green Belt Certifications are not necessary to master the technique of such usage. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar who preaches ‘Art of living’ has decided to impart this niche skill to everyone in his spiritual masses.

I also notice that this ‘Please let me know if you have any questions’ culture has deeply penetrated into the young minds and they have started believing that it is some sort of customary ritual that is being followed in the project. They have started appending it to every other email they are sending out. It becomes the email mantra. They chant this at the end of every email.

Lastly I heard from one of my friends that, someone made a blasphemous use of this statement and it was being circulated only among the near and dear ones in the company in the form of forward emails.

The email read:

–
(Names have been changed to protect the identity & dignity of the email sender)

Dear <sincere-girl-who-works-in-my-project>,

Many more happy returns of the day!

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks & Regards,
Very-Very-Very-Busy-Boss

–
Alright, so I have decided to create an e-learning material on this industry buzz phrase which will be of greater help for the freshers and laterals who join the company. I hope I made myself clear.

Please let me know if you have any questions!

Thanks & Reg….Ohhh sigh! Cut the crap!

Chalo then. Bubye!

********************************************************************
IMPORTANT NOTE: My blog posts have been shamelessly plagiarized (Copy pasted) under Tamil Movie Reviews by one downtrodden filthy minded website called CAR RENTAL CHENNAI (blog.carrentalchennai.com) and the link is given below.

http://blog.carrentalchennai.com/category/chennai-traveler/tamilnadu-tourism/tamil-movie-reviews

Even after several emails and phone calls this site owner never obliged to take down my posts. So if you are reading this in the above site, requesting you all to please to spit and pee on his face and use all mother and sister expletives without fail!

If you are the owner of that damn site reading this. Please take down all my posts and stop feeding on my site!

Thanks!

********************************************************************

A page from a diary!

Her eyes were so addictive!

So powerful that it housed a strong magnetism to leave one astounded with the power, it holds someone in its charm. Many times, I have stolen few glances to drown myself in her presence, by giving in to my involuntary urge to look at her, which filled my cognizance with her hypnotic glances, whenever she brought herself in the vicinity, with a bag slung on her shoulders, searching for a place to settle in for a quick dine. Some instinct in me which changed my body metabolism altogether, increasing my heart rate slightly by few numbers, was a due manifestation of her proximity around me.

I’ve never gotten an opportunity to divert myself away from her mesmerizing eyes, whenever I steal a glance at her. My senses fail miserably in front of her fascinating grasp that holds me right in her eyes – just there, just precisely there in those glimmering spheres, ruthlessly clamping me there, craving for such nirvana for eternity.

Never been in my lifetime I was subjected to such enslavement with an astounding pair of eyes.

She was gifted with a monopolistic spell to captivate someone, just by looking at her eyes. Those eyes exerted so much force to weaken someone’s heart without the knowledge of the ones who are sanctified with that blessed look. I had to give in myself to such vulnerability. My senses weakened, the heart thumped faster and I was invariably tethered to them. I felt more weaker, when my eyes lost contact. The craving grew stronger when I missed her presence for a longer duration. It became a habit – an addiction for the eyes – inquisitive and ingenuous.

I was invariably falling for her, for her eyes that pushed me down – down to her feet, left me weakened in her presence. After sweeping some courage that was left in me, I decided to let her know what someone felt, ‘When you love a woman, you tell her that she’s the one, because she needs somebody, to tell her that you’ll always be together…’. So as the train came to a screeching halt, it brought my heart to a momentary halt too, and then I got up from my seat and alighted the train, to lessen my distance from her and started walking in the crowd, feeling lonely altogether, with her only company of her name driving me forward. As the distance diminished between us, from her behind, I knew my memory is slowly drifting too. All my rehearsed sentences started to fade. Sigh! Why it isn’t easy to let someone know that they are being loved? I was feeling claustrophobic even in that wide open platform where the crowd barged towards the exit. How am I going to ad-lib right in her face, being subjected to those shimmering eyes watching me with full attention?

With the pace I was walking, I sensed I wouldn’t reach her anytime. So I accelerated my pace slightly and followed her. Five seconds was all I took and I was beside her. With all my energy propelled up, I called out her name and said, ‘Hi’

A simple ‘Hi’ came out with so much aeration. Her quick turn to the right, unplugging the earphones from her slender ears and a jerk halt, assured me that I was loud enough for her to hear me.

I stared at her with my heart in full acceleration and I knew I am going to fumble. I was experiencing that moment, when you prepare for an extempore and remember each line perfectly well till when you reach the podium mic and then everything goes blank seeing the audience. She was my only audience and I was the only one who was to recite everything to perfection.

I went totally blank!

I couldn’t see her eyes. The Kajal was still intact embellishing her eyes or rather her eyes were garnishing the Kajal with its beauty and sorcery. It conveyed innumerable thoughts, she never spoke.

It was so powerful and was pointing to this stranger with full attention, who just called out her name. A full Sixty seconds of ciphered memory is all I remember and a line from in between, ‘I like you so much’ and a dim memory and then, ‘…I’m kind of mad at you’ and few seconds later, I felt as if I came back to my senses, when I was done talking. I felt tired as if all the energy that was charged has been drained out just for these sixty seconds of hazed memory. It was really so tough to propose and I did it.

She smiled; her eye lids battled to hold those inquisitive and thoughtful eyes, which have gathered some jolt from someone, who she has seen just today – may be some time back in the afternoon. But lesser did she know that she has been admired for months together.

Her bewitching smile and her casual head tilt was all enough for me to sense that she was feeling safe and not intimidated. It gave me a sense of gratification that I didn’t make anyone uncomfortable. As soon as I was ready to absorb whatever that was going to come to me, she said, ‘mmm…this is new to me…,’ with her sweetest tone and composure. After a thoughtful pause, she quoted, ‘this is not going to work out’.

Disappointment set in and I felt as if I had lost all my weapons and no lifelines. I am all by myself and she was there again with her addictive eyes, numbing out my presence of mind. What followed later was kinda soothing my senses. We were talking – talking in general – simple exchanges. It didn’t last longer. How can someone be so polite, sweet and hurting at the same time? I didn’t know what to defend. I didn’t know how to plead. I felt helpless. I wanted to be lying in her arms, her fingers caressing my hair on my forehead, drifting me to peace and calmness, whenever I was helpless but not helpless on my feet like this. I knew what started a few minutes back, came to an end so soon. And she said, ‘This won’t work out and I don’t want to give any false hopes, so we’ll see…I mean, not about this, hope you understand. See you then. Bye’ and then she walked away unceremoniously into the crowd, taking away with her, my weakened heart, probably in her bag slung on her shoulders, as how Richard Parker walked away into the jungle, onshore in ‘Life of Pi’. As she climbed up the stairs and disappeared in the crowd, I was left like a boy stranded in a festive crowd, though the whole station was brimming with noisy people swishing past to and fro.

I could hear the sound of engine approaching the platform, the Doppler Effect at its best. I know my train has come and I had to leave. I wished I could see her footsteps, at least to fill the void where my heart was previously with those footprints, which would keep me alive. The heart was still thumping, but there was no life in it. It just stayed with her, in those addictive eyes, leaving me, when she walked away.

***

I tried my best to explain, but she was never ready to listen.

But I can see the smile sometimes, when she is around me, which I know she needs me. But I sometimes just try to avoid those eyes; nevertheless I fail miserably to do it. Every second is spent in its memory, rewinding the past again and again iterating it endlessly. Her face appears in every face I see. Memories are not too volatile to be erased. She still lingers in my thoughts all the time, everywhere. None of the eyes, interest me these days. Helplessness is sowing seeds of despair and longingness. What if she too liked me? I know I wasn’t that bad for hatred. I deserved some love and she too deserved mine, unconditionally. I want to be mad on someone, live my life for them and shower all happiness in the world and undeniably she is the one.

I’m still waiting, waiting for those eyes to accept me and hold me again, to bind me with affection so that I get drowned in those eyes, not fearing of any depth and darkness, weakened by her presence. Acceptance is all required to become strong again – to shield her from all the evils in this world and not letting any tears leave those lovely possessions of mine. Hope is still lighting the wick of the candle of my life.

Hope she is mine!

***

PS: Know more about Experimental Fiction –> HERE

CBC Valentine’s Day Post – Chapter 7 – Ahalya Ramanathan

This is a chain love story as a part of CBC (Chennai Bloggers Club) chain story relay. In this we write a love story as this month is for love. 20 Bloggers will write one chapter of a love story to make a beautiful love story.    How do you know it will be a beautiful story? Never mind, Love stories are beautiful.

Catchup with the previous 6 chapters HERE

---

Chapter 7

Ahalya Ramanathan

I know I’m letting in things to myself. This is weird to me. There have been times in my life when I wished I had someone for me –someone who can be with me forever. But this new change in my life which I’ve let it happen is completely out of circumstances. I should have let him go and never allowed him to gauge the subtle perturbations of my heart that seeks compensational affection that I’m exerting out of him. He is honest, lovable and someone who can be trusted. Not just because I’ve spent some three hours of my waiting time chatting away in glory with him, but something in me that involuntarily drifted my senses towards him.

After all the hearty conversations, I have become conscious again – conscious of not wanting to get hurt, to suffer another insomnia.

Vishwaroopam (2013) – Movie Review

Well after so much hype, bans, media attention with press meets and political gimmicks which were meandering in the atmosphere, I finally got some opportunity to take a peaceful ride to watch this movie, just for the sake of personal gratification that seeks justification to such commotion that has been going on the industry and the state.

Vishwaroopam opens up with a conversation between a psychologist and Nirupama (Pooja Kumar) who is married to Vishwanathan (Kamal Hassan), a Tamil Brahmin, which is actually a marriage of convenience, to pursue her Ph.D. in Nuclear Oncology at USA, and not actually out of mutual love and acceptance. Kamal is a Kathak trainer with an effeminate demeanor, who speaks an awfully high accented tambrahm Tamil. Andrea Jeremiah and others span in to the movie as the scenes unfold slowly one by one. Set in USA and Afghanistan, revolving around a series of events leading to terrorism and nuclear war, the movie proceeds with an alternating timeline sequence than a linear fashion of story progression, which actually shifts back and forth at the right sequence. In a nutshell, it’s a story of an Indian spy who infiltrates into an insurgents group in Afghanistan (Taliban Insurgency?) and tries to deactivate their operations in USA. The movie on the whole gives a Hollywood sheath to a Kollywood movie.

2012 in review – a quick stats!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 38,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 9 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.